Carnaval

Segunda-feira, Janeiro 30, 2006

Urban Culture

Carnaval took a nap at 11:36:00 AM

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Quinta-feira, Janeiro 19, 2006

Shackled

A friend would go looking for me to share his/her crises and troubles. This is among the rare and tough encounters I call a problem unique to me. Unlike everybody else who can easily articulate the proper words to say to someone who's at a complete loss, I could lend to this friend my ears -- I'd listen intently -- but only that and nothing else. I am someone who's afraid to give pieces of advice because I presumed my suggestions wouldn't help anyway. And I couldn't come close to the idea how much they are suffering that's why I only empathize with them. Words, no matter how spectacular they are said, can express only up to a remarkable degree. We can't exactly feel people's hurts so we don't know.

*Fool enough to almost be it

Cool enough to not quite see it

Doomed

Recognizing or experiencing things not actually present to our senses is not normal. Excessive or inappropriate anxiety can take a huge toll on one's daily activities. Frightening traumas can subject someone to severe stress that persists for a very long time. The manic and depressive behaviors of a person can occur simultaneously and they can be very hard to deal with. People experiencing severe depression can have suicidal tendencies...

I never really cared to learn about mental illnesses until I had my duty in psych ward (Ward 7) of UP-PGH weeks ago. Aside from believing that their conditions are irreversible, the collective unconscious would simply connote these mentally ill people as sira ulo, may tulo, may tama, atbp. For a very long time I had thought of them that way, and it felt wonderful to be feeling secure about having a sound mind, about being able to discover new strategies on how to cope with stress, about having negative delusions and hallucinations.

We'll try and ease the pain

Somehow we'll feel the same

Well, no one knows

Where our secrets go

My heart was racing and my legs weak and wobbling when I first stepped inside Ward 7. I was afraid of coming in contact with the psych patients because of their altered perceptions. I had fears that, by sudden impulse, they might attack me with any blunt yet possibly dangerous object they possess. Or they might suddenly throw an emotional fit for no known reason. But while I began to talk and socialize with them, little did I suspect that they are not at all what I used to think about them, (well, not all, but maybe most of them) and that people should start to educate themselves about mental illness.

I must admit that during my visit there at the ward, I have encountered short moments of comedy, farce, action, horror, and suspense. But I never thought I'd be learning so much from these patients whom the majority of the sane people label as incompetent and nuts. I found some of them to be supportive with one another and amiable toward the staff. They are also determined to get well which is evidenced by their compliance to therapeutic regimens like taking meds, eating, and sleeping on time, taking a bath everyday, and attending patient meetings and other group therapies.

My group conducted a socialization party for the patients on our last day at the ward. We prepared fun games for them like newspaper-dance and stop-dance which they totally enjoyed. In their faces I had seen that profound joy, the one that doesn't hide any inhibitions, the kind you could only see in children when they frolic or discover new things. I was moved even more when we invited a patient with bipolar disorder to render a song for the participants. But before he sang, he first asked for complete silence from the audience and also pleaded for understanding if in case he would cry at the end of the song. He told us he composed this during his stay at the ward.

Fool enough to almost be it

Cool enough to not quite see it

Old enough to always feel this

Always old, I'll always feel this

Dumbfounded I was by what I've heard. That young man was a genius, to think that not only was he able to compose a song whose words so much depict imaginative awareness, he also sang it so beautifully that even without accompaniment, I still had broken into tears. His composition was clearly a passion-filled emotion about having to live differently. In the song, people like him are said to be living in a prison, that because of their illness, they are shackled forever. Tears start to form in his eyes while he sang "kami'y unawaan... panawan ng karamdaman..." As if I still haven't had enough, I tried looking around the room and saw all my patients seemingly oblivious, silent (except for one who suddenly had the urge to clap uncontrollably), and not looking at the performer. Having a glimpse at each one of them, I asked myself if they actually understood the song. I was unsure of the answer.

And I fail

But when I can, I will

Try to understand

That when I can, I will

Even while I'm writing this post I feel tears starting to form under my eyelids. My exposure to the Ward 7 is worth treasuring. These are the people you rarely meet in your life. Little did we realize that we learn even from those who we think are the most inferior among the inferior. Their delusions may be grandiose or their hallucinations overly fantastic. But their dreams or goals in life are just simple. And yet I just feel sad that they're having a hard time reaching their ambitions because of their sickness. They are focused in getting well. And they have the strong desire to prove to their families that they are not useless. "Gusto ko nang gumaling para makatulong ako sa pamilya ko." I assure you'd hear these words from them often.

Cliché as it is, if there's a will, there's a way, right?

Carnaval took a nap at 11:28:00 PM

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Sábado, Janeiro 14, 2006

"Toxic-an"

My big pc monitor has jaundice. Right now I'm just hoping it won't give up on me until I finish this post.

My first long exam in Med-Surg 2 has finally finished this afternoon. What a relief. I suppose out of my forty other classmates who took the test, I'm the eight ball, the only one who blatantly said that I 'passed the test.' I do these rationalizing merely for purposes of self-preservation. Pamatay kasi 'yung questions. Tsk tsk. The classroom I was in was so hot, I was sweating profusely, and I couldn't breathe, it's all because of the 50-item test that was giving me a really hard time and not because of my pair of pants that are too tight to fit me. Among the gazillion tests I've had in college, this Med-Surg thing holds the new record for being the most difficult. Yesterday I resolved that Brunner/Suddhart book and I should get to know each other better, but after three hours of intensive review, I lost my mind from the information overload I got about renal diseases and diagnostic exams. And then I forgot the signs and symptoms of renal failure, which only signifies that my short-term memory is always taking over my awful study habits. So I had no choice but to go back a few pages and reread... and reread... and reread until I've used up all my energy. I stop and stare blankly at the book shelf in front of me, my view of it eventually gets blurry, I am thinking but my wits are void. I know I'm not the only misfit in the world who thinks that reviewing is exhausting, even if I'm learning so much. 24 hours later and my brain's still drowning in piss. Right now I'm not sure if in reality I passed the test. I hope against hope. But you know what, I don't actually believe in some people when they say, "na-mental block ako," after seeing that their scores have taken a nosedive. Wushuu, 'di niya lang na-review 'yun.

Memwars! Memwars! Memwars!

Ze Book Ze Film

*Hyperventilates* I'm beside myself with pure eagerness, Memoirs has finally hit the movie houses! I've waited for this moment for years since I finished reading the novel in 2003. It's like my issue with Girl With A Pearl Earring where I thought that film would never be shown in the Philippines until a few years ago I learned it was among the art film candidates in the annual festival in Greenbelt. They're my favorite novels and I loved how Girl With The Pearl Earring was carried out by the producers. Everything about it was purely sensational. Memoirs, according to the few movie reviews I was able to read in magazines weeks ago, was satisfactory. But I had fears, because it's a Japanese fiction, and all the characters in it are supposed to be played by Japanese actors. Years ago, I imagined the film to have English subtitles in it. I don't insinuate any sort offense against Zhang but why does it always have to be her? Wala na ba talaga silang makuhang iba? It was only last week when I chanced upon its trailer, and in fairness, I applaud her for her great execution of the geisha performances, the tea ceremony, the shamisen, and the dances, among others. Maybe no one can really do the role of Sayuri better than Zhang. At this moment, I can only surmise. Next Saturday, Ava, Bren, and I are going to watch it in Makati, the best movies should only be viewed in the best movie houses, hehe. *Tachy...* Can't wait to meet Hatsumomo, Mameha-san, The Chairman, Nobu-san, and Pumpkin... I'm off to my soft futon now so sayonara people.

Carnaval took a nap at 8:25:00 PM

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Domingo, Janeiro 08, 2006

What Follows Is A Short Explanation Of Recent Events Highlighted By The Events Of The Evening

What?

This day didn't end up so bad like the previous days. While my good Salot friend has officially decided to put herself into GEEK mode this year, for me it's becoming certain that Med-Surg 2 has finally become a favorite subject. Blessed I am with a very good teacher, I'm learning so many things. And the incredible fact that I never got bored in that class is one clear justification that teachers are really a big factor in generating excellent students. Oh. I remember how I used to sleep away the remaining hours in some classes.

Palengke! Palengke!

Our class happened to finish the topic on emergency care early so I went to meet up with my mother at the Fort afterward. I alone had my dinner and after depositing my belongings (my knapsack and paperbag) at the package counter, I hung around the stores in Market! Market! I do not like eating in public all by myself but I’m getting used to the inevitable solitude. It's part of waiting.

After about half an hour I finally met with my parents, and I got to redeem the 82 pesos I spent for my dinner from my father. Heheh. At the food court while they're having dinner, I sort of implied to them that it would be unlikely for me to be attending capoeira classes this summer because I don't know how I could go home from the Manila Polo Club late in the evening. I'm sure there'd be no puv's going to EDSA by that time. Ever since I heard about capoeira in the Philippines in 2003, I have always hoped I could learn about this Brasilian martial arts. For the past two years I've actually planned of finally joining the capoeira class but wasn't able to because of the so many important happenings that got in the way. But it was a good thing that my parents agreed to pick me up from the Manila Polo Club since my mother would have been finished with her work out at the Fort by that time. Since picking me up late in the evening won't be too much of a hassle, I can learn capoeira na at long last! Woooohhhooooo!!! What utter joy!

Carnaval Carnival

There's a huge amusement park near the Market! Market! Oh I forgot it's name, I think it's the Euro Carnival. On its grand opening, which was about a couple of hours ago, they lit up the black sky with wonderful fireworks! I felt like a child once more. Ang ganda talaga, it was like being in the World Pyro Olympics again. I suppose if they had joined the pyro Olympics, they might have just stolen the trophy from the Aussies. Ehehe, biro lang, pero maganda talaga execution. =]

After the great pyro performance, we headed home. It wasn't until we reached Barangay Merville when I found out I didn't have my backpack and paperbag with me. Okay, I suppose so much happiness made me leave my precious things at the package counter unknowingly. I'll have to come back for it tomorrow.

Carnaval took a nap at 12:11:00 AM

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Quinta-feira, Janeiro 05, 2006

Next Stop, 2006: Forgetting What Is Behind And Pressing On Toward The Goal

This article by Brasilian writer Paolo Coelho tells us to stop thinking about the disappointments and all the crazy shoulda-woulda-coulda's we've made in the past twelve months. It doesn't say so much about pressing on toward the goal but you can find words of wisdom about this in Phil 3:12-14 (This one's very nice!). A lot of my friends were moved by this piece. Heheh, I'm sure maraming makaka-relate, lalo na 'yung mga brokenhearted d'yan! Enjoy! =]

Closing Cycles
By Paolo Coelho

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through.

Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents' house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden?

You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won't take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that.

But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back.

Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away. That is why it is so important (however painful it maybe!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts and getting rid of certain memories also means making
some room for other memories to take their place.

Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same
program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the ideal moment. Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person. Nothing is irreplaceable. A habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

Carnaval took a nap at 5:57:00 PM

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